Finally Right

Moonlight lit the loft, shining in through the clerestory windows and reflecting off the bay outside the French doors. Two lovers lay together in the silvery light, sheets rumpled around them, limbs entwined. One was watching as the other slept.

Blair Sandburg lay on his side, looking at his lover stretched out in the semi-darkness, tracing with his eyes the highlights the moonlight was casting on Jim Ellison's satiny skin and hard muscles. Blair felt his heart flutter and skip as he looked, remembering the feel of Jim's mouth on his, the feel of the long, graceful fingers finding, with Sentinel sensitivity, magical places on his body that no one had ever  found before. No one had ever looked for before.

Earlier that night, after years of wanting, years of courtship, years of ritualized foreplay, they both took a risk and reached across the barrier between them. After ages of looking at each other, they finally realized they were looking for each other. Once the space between them was crossed, they fell together with all the passion they had both stored up over the years. All the moments of sacrifice for each other, the moments of giving, the moments of love and fear and loss, energized their loving, moving them past self-consciousness and fear without a second thought.

 Blair tried to find a word for how it had felt as they touched, stroked, kissed, loved each other to a completion that he was still slightly shaky from. One that completely remade both their lives. He realized that there were none, could be none. Language was too imperfect to convey something so incredibly, absolutely right.  

Blair held back a contented sigh, not wanting to wake Jim. He wanted the luxury of just looking, just observing his new lover. His heart and stomach fluttered for a moment as the word 'lover' crossed his mind. It seemed a very magical, numinous, powerful thing having a lover. It had taken him years before he finally found someone he could give himself to completely, heart and soul and body.

 Years. Blair snorted. His whole life, really.

 As soon as he made the noise, he regretted it. Jim started to snuffle and stretch, moving toward wakefulness. Blair shifted back a little, giving Jim room. Jim made a muffled mumbling noise and reached out forBlair, drawing him close, wrapping an arm around his waist.

Happily, Blair moved closer sliding his own arm across Jim's strong chest. Jim smiled, eyes still closed, mumbling, "Blair." A happy, contented sigh followed the name.

Blair rolled onto his belly and rested his chin on Jim's chest, so he could see Jim's face. "Jim. That was amazing, man."

Jim's eyes opened, and Blair regretted that there was only moonlight to see by, as the dim lighting leached the color out of Jim's clear blue eyes. Blair smiled, expressing his joy and wonder as best he could through his expression. Jim's face crinkled in a grin and Blair was confident that the message was received.

Jim kissed Blair lightly, and asked, "How long was I out?"

"Only about 25 minutes, I think. It's about ten."

Jim nodded, then ran his hand over and through Blair's soft curls, twining them around his fingers. Blair smiled, remembering that their lovemaking began with Jim caressing his hair. He closed his eyes, to better enjoy the feel of his hair being handled with so much love.

It was a surprise when Jim's hand stilled. Fearing a zone, Blair's eyes flew open as he said, "Jim, you okay?"

The larger man shook himself a little and smiled, looking a little sheepish. "I'm fine, just got lost in your hair. It wasn't quite a zone, but it was close. In this light, it's got blue highlights that I don't normally see."

Jim kissed him lightly, just a swift brush of their lips together, then said, "That was... As many times as I've imagined it, I hadn't pictured us getting together that way."

Blair looked up at him, smiling, "Me either. I never thought it would be as easy as watching TV on the couch leading to you playing with my hair, leading to a kiss." He kissed Jim, lightly, flicking at the space between Jim's lips with his tongue. "Leading...," he paused and waved, indicating Jim's bedroom, "here. As easy as breathing."

With a whispered, "I'm glad it was that easy, Blair. I like having you here," Jim pulled Blair in close for a kiss. The kiss started light and gentle at first, just a brush of lips, Jim's moving gently against Blair's, back and forth ever so slightly. That light touch started a tingling over Blair's whole body and he moaned softly, deep in his throat. Jim's tongue then touched lightly against the center of Blair's upper lip, slowly pressing harder, before tracing the upper lip entirely. The almost inaudible moan in Blair's throat increased and his lips parted slightly. Jim didn't immediately take the invitation to explore Blair's mouth with his tongue. Instead he played with Blair's full lower lip, alternating licks on the soft inner surface with nibbles on the outer side. Jim's tongue finally slipped between Blair's lips, stroking its velvety-roughness against the smooth underside of his tongue, caressing the insides of his cheeks, exploring the roughness of his palate. Blair held Jim's head close, fingers ruffling through soft, short hair, as he moaned into Jim's mouth.

When Jim finished his exploration of Blair's mouth, Blair turned to licking and sucking along the tendons of Jim's neck, lingering in each spot long enough to leave a red spot, but not so long that Jim would still be visibly marked the next day. Jim was panting, deep breaths coming out in huffs, when Blair stopped with a last lick to Jim's adam's apple.

Jim wrapped an arm around Blair and pulled him half over his chest. "God, Chief, you're incredible. But I'm still dead from last time."

 "Dead and in heaven. Yep." Blair nodded. He looked up at Jim, feeling a little shy. "I don't think I can get it up again so soon. I'm sorry, man."

With a caress to Blair's backside, Jim said, "Hey, I'm not bouncing back either. It was really intense." Jim's face went still, the open expression of joy that had been gracing it earlier fading and his tight hold on Blair easing. Blair barely had a moment to wonder why before Jim removed his arm from around Blair's waist. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. A lot of men don't like cuddling and making out so soon after sex."

Blair had never hated his own inexperience as much as he did now. Every social activity was wrapped up in layers of social expectation and mores. His first hand knowledge of sexual customs was limited in the extreme, even more so when it came to sex with men. He just didn't know how to behave when waking in his lover's bed; it was an uncomfortable feeling. His stomach did a nervous drop and flutter that made him suck in a long breath to settle it down. Mortified at how faint his voice sounded, he said, "Oh. Do you like it? I mean, because, I'd like to, but if you don't..." Blair closed his eyes andmoved a little away from Jim, allowing his lover to get up if he wanted.

"Hey, are you alright?" Blair opened his eyes at the words to see a concerned expression on Jim's face. "Your heart rate spiked and your breathing went shallow for a minute." Blair relaxed a little when Jim pulled him close again and kissed the top of his head and stroked his cheek.

Blair shrugged. "Just a little nervous. It's the whole 'morning after' thing ... I'm not sure what's expected of me. What's right, you know?" 

Chuckling, Jim said, with a tease in his voice, "Usually leave 'em sleeping, eh, Chief?"

Blair shook his head, regretting not having said anything to Jim about his inexperience sometime earlier that night, if not before. "Umm, no. Not really."

Puzzled, Jim looked at him. "You're not telling me something, Blair. What is it?"

Blair looked up at him, hoping his expression wasn't as miserable as he feared. "I'm just not nearly as...experienced with the ladies as you think I am."

Jim nodded, cradling Blair's cheek in his hand. "Yeah, I figured that out."

Blair's eyes widened in surprise, "How?"

"Well, for one thing, I noticed that you weren't coming home from your dates smelling like sex. Or a recent shower. And I almost never smelled pheromones on you when you were with any of your women."

Blair shrugged. "Yeah. I like women as friends, to talk to and hang out with. Women are easy to be with, you know. And I like dancing and it's such a drag going dancing alone. But I wasn't looking for sex with them."

"I bet they were disappointed."

Nodding, Blair said, "Some, yeah. I think that's part of why Sam was such a bitch. I tried to be clear about the fact that I wasn't looking for anything but friendship. But she just didn't get the message."

Jim nuzzled into Blair's hair, nibbling at the shell of an ear when he found it in all the curls. "I'm glad. It's nice knowing that sex isn't something you take lightly."

"Never. It's not a light thing," Blair said with a sigh, reaching up to move his hair so Jim had free access to his ear. Jim traced the edge of the ear with his tongue, following the path of the whorls until he plunged his tongue in deep for a second. Blair shuddered with the pleasure, sighs ending with a gasp when Jim flicked the silver hoops in his ear, tugging on them gently with the tip of his tongue.

With a last lick, Jim let Blair's ear go, nuzzling again into his hair. "I love how sensitive you are. It's like you're the one with the heightened senses or like everything I do is completely new to you...." Jim's eyes widened.

Blair winced as Jim trailed off. He could almost see the realization dawning in those clear eyes. Damn. "I guess that's because it is new. Well, most of it anyway." Blair rolled onto his back, opening a bit of space between them and getting away from Jim's eyes. He felt exposed and very vulnerable.

Blair was gratified when Jim respected his need for space, not moving to close the space between them. Gratified, and a little scared.

"I think I need you to explain that, Chief."

"Damn. I'm sorry, Jim," Blair said, sitting up and wincing a little at the unexpected pain from the earlier lovemaking.  He ran his hands through his hair, trying to hide his agitation despite knowing that was futile. "I...I should have said something earlier. I've never...made love...had sex...with anyone...well, until last night."

"Jesus!" Jim shouted as he sat up next to Blair, taking hold of Blair's shaking hands. "You're a...a...."

Blair winced at the harsh sounding tone. "Virgin. Yeah. Well, I was."

"Why the Hell didn't you tell me?"

Blair kept his head down, talking to the coverlet over his legs. "It never really came up, you know. And, man, you gotta know it's not real easy to talk about. Anyway, when in the last 3 years would have been a good time to say 'Hey, Jim, by the way, I'm a virgin'?  It's just not a subject that comes up between male roommates."

"You could have said something last night."

Blair folded a little, his head hanging even lower, and mumbled, "I was afraid it'd scare you off." 

"What?" Jim reached up to stroke Blair's cheek, lifting his chin so their eyes met. "Why?"

"It'd scare me, man. Shit. I mean even if I weren't one, the responsibility of making the first time extra good for someone else would be intimidating." Blair closed his eyes, closed out Jim's piercing gaze. Jim's face was in a shadow; his eyes looked like dark, glittering hollows, staring right through him. "I'm sorry, Jim. I love you so much, and I wanted you so badly. I was afraid that you would call a halt to everything. Things were finally going to be right between us, you know? I didn't want to mess that up."

Jim pulled Blair into a hug so tight the breath was squeezed out of him. Voice ragged with emotion, Jim whispered in his ear, "I know. I know. Finally right between us, that's exactly how it feels." He nibbled the tender place behind Blair's ear, licking over it with a broad swipe of his tongue. He pulled back a little, whispering again into the curl-covered ear, "Do you have any idea how much this means to me, Blair?"

Blair nodded his head a little. "Yeah. I think so. As much as it means to me, I bet," he said, knowing that giving his body to Jim meant everything to him, commitment, security, love...forever.

Jim pulled away, cradling Blair's cheeks in his hands, stroking his thumbs over the strong cheekbones and fingertips tracing the arch of the eyebrows. "Yeah, just as much as that. God, I love you." He kissed across Blair's broad forehead, peppering kisses along the hairline, licking away the worry lines between the brows.

Blair sighed and closed his eyes, leaning toward Jim's kisses. The rain of kisses moved down; Jim kissed both of Blair's eyelids and licked a little spiral into the temple on each side of his face before tracing both high cheekbones with gentle swipes of his lips.  The tip of Blair's nose got a quick kiss before Jim began to torment Blair's mouth, swooping in for a kiss that lingered long enough to make Blair sigh and open his mouth before backing away. Followed by a light touch, just brushing his lips against Blair's, a ghost kiss that made all his nerve endings tingle. When Jim dove in more deeply again, Blair moaned and wrapped his arms around Jim's neck, and pressed Jim's lips open with his own, tangling their tongues together. Each of them moaned a little as their tongues danced for a minute before they parted, breathless from the surge of emotions as much as from the kiss.

Lying back down and pulling Jim down next to him, Blair pushed and squirmed until he was lying with his head resting on Jim's shoulder, one hand idly exploring the muscled perfection of Jim's chest. He cleared his throat, a little nervous, then said, "I'm going to avoid the virgin's stereotypical post-coital question."

Jim chuckled. "What question is that?"

In a simpering voice, Blair said, "Was I any good?" Before Jim could speak, Blair reached up and put a hand over his mouth. Voice normal, he continued, "I am so not asking. It's a stupid question, you know. I mean, there's only one acceptable answer to it. You'd have to say 'great', right? So, why should I bother asking. We'll just pretend that I asked the idiotic question and you gave the one right answer." He sighed and relaxed into the comfort of being held in Jim's arms, right where he should be. "I'll ask a different question instead. How did you picture it happening?"

"Huh?" Jim lifted his head to look at Blair, confused.

"You said earlier you never imagined us getting together that way. What did you imagine?" In the faint light, Blair wasn't certain, but he thought he saw Jim blushing.

Jim harrumphed a little, looking away from Blair's face, "A lot of things. I've been...thinking about us like this for a long time." 

Blair grinned and kissed Jim's chest, "You've been fantasizing about us? Cool!" Blair was almost surprised at how little trouble he had reconciling his image of his repressed, controlled partner, with the passionate lover he now knew. Learning that Jim had fantasized about them, was just another intriguing new facet to the man he loved. "Me too, man." He wriggled happily in Jim's arms. "Would you tell me one?"

Jim tensed, his body stiffening. He held Blair even more tightly for a moment before relaxing. "Are you sure? No one's ever been interested before." Blair thought he could hear a note of pleading in the soft tenor voice.

"I love everything, Jim, everything about you. That includes your fantasies." Trying to ease Jim's tension with a distraction, Blair stroked his hand over the beautifully sculpted chest, rolling first one nipple, then the other, with his palm. He traced a lazy spiral over one nipple with his tongue, spiraling inward with just the pointed tip of his tongue, while his hand continued its play with the other one. When both nipples were pebbled and hard, he paused and said, "Tell me, please. I really want to know."

A fine tremor passed through Jim's body. Running his fingers up and down Blair's back, in a gesture apparently intended to calm himself as much as to please Blair, he said, "Carolyn never wanted to hear about them. She said it was an insult to her that I was 'resorting' to fantasies.  I don't want you to feel that way."

"Well, Carolyn only wanted the outside of you, the surface. The Army captain, the detective, the good family background, the good looks that complemented her own." Blair was worried that he'd said too much, crossed a line somehow, but felt Jim nod and kiss his hair, so he continued, "I want all of you. All those exterior things, sure, but also the fears and insecurities, likes and dislikes, dreams and fantasies. Everything."

Jim rolled onto his side, moving so that he could whisper directly into Blair's ear, seeming to want the privacy of a whisper, and the privacy of not being able to make eye contact, for sharing something so personal. Blair smiled a little and turned his head, making it easier for Jim to whisper to him.

"There are lots of them, but this is a favorite." Blair nodded, keeping silent so as not to interrupt the flow of Jim's words. "We're staying in a cabin in the woods. You're bathing in the big claw-foot bathtub. I listen to you in the tub, not just the sounds of the splashing and the water moving, but the sound of you touching yourself, skin against skin, as you wash. I'm imagining your wonderful, expressive hands," Jim paused, pulling one of Blair's hands to his mouth and placing a sensuous kiss to the center of the palm, before continuing, "moving over your body. And it's really turning me on. As I'm listening, I hear you starting to jerk off in the tub, the rhythmic movement making waves in the tub. I move closer to the door of the bathroom, drawn by the sound and by the mental image of your hand wrapped around yourself."

As Jim got into his storytelling, he moved away from Blair's ear and slowly began to speak in a normal voice, forgetting his desire for privacy in the heat the fantasy. "I quietly open the door, not wanting to disturb you but needing to see how gorgeous you look touching yourself."

Pausing for a moment, Jim ran his hand across Blair's belly, relishing the transition from smooth skin to soft hairs and back to smooth skin. "You have your eyes closed, so you don't notice me come in. I watch you and I'm almost floored by how gorgeous and sexy you are. After you come, you open your eyes and see me standing there, fully clothed and aching hard, and spread your arms, offering yourself to me and wordlessly inviting me to join you in the tub." He stopped speaking, still turned somewhat inward, his voice fading away.

Blair shivered from the pleasure of hearing Jim's soft voice, normally so practical, saying such things. He wished his body were ready to make love again, but it was still too soon. "God, Jim. I've had fantasies of you in the shower, water running off your perfect body. Seeing you coming out of the shower at the Northstar 5 rig just fed those. But, hearing you telling me that. Wow." He kissed Jim's chest. "Is there more?"

Jim shook his head. "No more of that one. I usually finish around the same time you do in my fantasy. There's a lot of different ones, though."

"Will you tell me about the others? That was, like, so hot, and I  want to do that again. Preferably when we're not both still flattened by an earlier round."

Jim smiled. "You have no idea how much I'd like that. I've fantasized about that too, about someone wanting to hear them."

Blair reached up and ruffled Jim's hair, enjoying the velvety feel of the short, soft strands against his palm. He was opening his mouth to say something loving and reassuring, when his stomach rumbled. Slightly embarrassed, he said instead, "Sorry. We skipped dinner earlier."

"We had better things on our minds, Sandburg."

"Do you want to get some food now? I'm starved." When Jim nodded, Blair sat up, maintaining physical contact between them for as long as possible as they both dragged on sweatpants. "We can heat up the leftover lasagna."

While they were eating, sitting next to each other with their legs pressed together, Blair said, "I never did thank you, man."

Jim looked up, setting his loaded fork back on his plate. "Thank me?" Blair was pleased by the attractive look of confusion on the chiseled face.

"For touching my hair. For letting me touch you. For kissing me." Blair turned so he was facing his new lover. "For reaching across the barrier." He reached out and touched Jim's cheek.

A beautiful smile fell across Jim's features.  "Thank you for wanting me to." He leaned over and kissed Blair, pressing the full lips open and inviting Blair's tongue into his own mouth. Jim ended the kiss with a peck to the tip of Blair's nose and said, "By the way, Blair, you really were great. Better than any of my fantasies."

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